Sunday, August 31, 2014

Some Of The Guys I Admire The Most…

Back in the 80s and 90s, I would drive to the other side of the island (Oahu), just to get out of the city, away from the crowds and traffic.  Out in Haleiwa, there were these guys who lived right there across from the beach – near that old iron bridge.  They would build surfboards, and give surfing lessons.  They were all older than me, maybe 10 years or so.  These guys lived, for the most part, free from society, free from traffic, crowds, and the demands of society.  They looked healthy, and they looked happy, laughing, smiling, and treating their visitors with laughter and kindness that I don’t see much, if at all these days.  I sometimes thought that maybe I would like to live that way – never pursued it, being that I was busy raising the boy, which was fine, but then getting the gigs, make that paycheck, and all that other societal horseshit that poisons people’s minds – it was expected of me, so I did it.

I’ve struggled for 30+ years trying to “make it” in this horribly corrupt music business, doing what I thought was right – paying my dues, taking risks, getting as good as I could at what I did – learning how to play ten instruments, to play them well, learned to sing songs that I loved, and that I knew most people related to.  I recorded CDs – nine of them, to be exact.  I have two of them at this moment, being played on Pandora Radio, with no way to know what, if anything, will happen with that.  I play one night a week at the Wildflower Village – no pay, just practice for me – trying to get my ducks in a row, get my fingers to do what I tell them – after being out work for the most part of the past three years.  I just had an audition, and if the entertainment director wasn’t BS’ing me, I should be working there before too long.  There’s a lot of rust to shed, so I do as much as I can to do just that – within the limits of my current life situation.  This brings me to my next point.

I’ve spent the most part of the past three years sitting in a recliner, in front of the television – not because I enjoy doing that, but because that’s pretty much what my current situation allows.  I don’t have a lot of sayso on what I do, if you get my drift.  I get food, and a place to sleep, but I have things I want to do, and this situation does not allow me to even think of moving towards any of it.  That’s not to mention, I don’t deal so well with being treated with such disregard and disrespect.  If I thought I could heal any of this, I would, but if ya can’t talk to a person, ya can’t talk to the person – if they don’t listen, they turn everything around, you got nothing to say.  Money has been the stifling stick between me and the life I would have liked to have.  Well, it becomes more and more apparent that I will not get my shot at the next level of this disgusting music business – maybe I’m too old to be in front of an audience, maybe I’ve been stifled by the Powers That Be – for whatever reasons, maybe my music isn’t good enough to be on the national airwaves – I may never know either way.  That being said, maybe it’s time for me to pursue a different lifestyle – one where I can be free from most of society’s bullshit.  I know, nobody can escape it completely, but I can certainly do better than I’m doing now.  It’s come to the front of my mind that I’ll be damned if I’ll spend the rest of my life rotting in that recliner – in front of the goddam television.  Maybe it’s time I investigate, or maybe just go for it – seeing what it’s like to live on or near the beach – somewhere maybe in San Diego or Los Angeles.  I hear the Santa Monica Pier is a cool place, that’s not to mention there are tons of nice beaches on Highway 1 between L.A. and San Diego – I’ve seen them with my own eyes.  There are also some nice beaches in San Diego, any of these places where I could sit on the beach, or on the boardwalk for a couple hours a day, playing my guitar, my uke, my banjo, have the case sitting out in front, maybe earn enough tips so I can eat, and maybe even rent some small shack or studio apartment in the area.  Maybe I could also sell CDs.  If I were to live outside under the stars (which I’ve done a couple of times in my life), the biggest challenge would be where to store my instruments – I have about ten of them, plus my clothes and my PA.  The couple of boxes of personal stuff, I would probably throw out.  I would certainly be healthier, and likely a whole lot happier.  My current situation, I’m sure is deteriorating my health and my mind.  Being controlled and dictated to has never been something I’ve been all that good at accepting.  Before now, I always had my own income, my own life, so when I found myself in a situation I didn’t want to be in, I would just get the hell out.  Well, no money means no getting the hell out – thanks, Powers That Be, for destroying so many people’s lives, dreams, families, and whatever else.  Anyway, should I be able to pull this off, I would probably get rid of my phone, and only keep my computer so I could record CDs to sell – or maybe not, maybe I would just go natural, sleep on the beach, play for the folks during the day, eat good food, and do that until I drop dead, or until I decide to check out on my own terms.  That would be a hell of a lot better life than sitting in front of that stinking idiot box – that’s death for any decent, self respecting person.  I really don’t have a whole lot of other choices, and this sounds like something that would be challenging at first, until I got the hang of it.  I remember both times when I was homeless, the first couple of weeks were strange and difficult, but I got used to it, I found places to be, and I found myself less stressed – as ironic as that may sound.  So, whatever I decide, I need to do it within the next few months, because as I already said a couple of times, I’ll be damned if I’ll let myself rot here.  There is one place I could go for now, should this living arrangement get past the point of bearable, and it’s possible I may end up there before too long, if things here continue the way they’re going.  I do have to ask once again, what the hell good is having money if you can’t do something constructive or worthwhile with it?  That’s a rhetorical.  People always think they’re going to be the one to finally figure out how to take it with ‘em.

I guess for the time being, I live the best I can, I bull my way through the stress, the migraines – and how’s THAT for a guy who never had a headache in his life before the last 3 years?  I’ll live by society’s rules for a little while longer – only because I have no other alternative at this particular time.  So, maybe I’ll see some of ya on the beach before too long, till then, you might want to take a look at your own life, think about how you’re going to feel about it when you’re near your last breath.  I already know what I don’t want to do.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Control, Abuse, And Other Such Cowardly Behavior...

Boy meets girl, girl meets boy – it works either way.  The abuser always seems to have a sixth sense on who they will be able to control, who will be vulnerable, who will likely have the hardest time getting out from under the thumb of such narcissistic, sadistic lowlifes.  In most cases, the coward is able to hide his or her chicken shit ways, but slowly and incrementally, the control surfaces – first manipulating the person into not communicating with family, friends, or anybody else.  It may start off slow, but it will escalate.  It may be mild at first, with the abuser cleverly convincing the victim that it is in his or her best interest that they cut off communication.  When that doesn’t work, they usually move into forceful, bullying tactics – as in, “I don’t like you talking to him/her, he/she is always putting ideas into your head”.  In the case of the abusive male, he will at some point start dictating that the girl don’t look too “provocative” out in public, because it enrages him when another male “checks out” his girl.  In the case of the controlling female, she will use social media to broadcast to the world that she is with the guy – guilting and/or demanding that he do the same.  When his phone rings or makes the notification sound, her head will jerk around, demanding to know who he’s talking to, listening in on his conversations, and/or needing to know what was the phone doing, or, with the more subtle girl, “Was that your phone dingin’?”.  She’ll want to put both phones on her account, so she can monitor his calls, texts, and whatever else.  She will likely spy on him in whatever way possible.  When they are out in public, should a nice looking girl enter her line of sight – again, her head will jerk around to see if her guy is looking in the direction of the pretty girl.  With such people, it matters not a goddam wit that the significant other had never shown any signs of being a cheater.  Over time, usually after the first six months to a year, the hostility escalates, and soon there isn’t a single hour that goes by that the abuser doesn’t snipe at his or her possession.  That’s right, the abusive person does not see his or her significant other as a person, they see them as something that belongs to them, they are to do what they’re told, and they are not to have any opinion, idea, or belief that differs from that of the warden.  The warden controls the money, he or she makes it clear that the inferior being is not to be trusted, making anywhere from subtle to violent but horribly false accusations.  The narcissistic being will never admit to any wrongdoing, any faults, any mistakes, any mistreatment of his victim; it will be deny, deny, deny, smartass remarks, and bully, bully, bully.  When the lower on the totem pole dares to stand up for him or herself, rage ensues, threats get thrown around, and more punishment is surely right around every corner.

These days, with the economy the way it is, with so many people in financial straits, it has become much easier for such abusive, controlling pieces of sub human trash to play their control and bullying game.  I’ve also noticed for the most part, nobody will lift a finger to help a person in such a position.  That being said, you gotta be real careful that with some who do appear to want to help, they really don’t want to help, they merely want something for themselves, and many times the person who has just gotten out of one abusive situation will find him or herself in one as bad or worse than the one he just got out of.

Many of these relationships end up with very bad endings.  In situations where there are children involved, the abuser will use them as a weapon of mass destruction.  In other situations, the vindictiveness will come in other shapes and forms – sometimes in stalking, sometimes in a barrage of vindictive firebombing designed to destroy the person who managed to escape.  There will always be the times – when the victim manages to escape, that the abuser will know all the right things to say – making all kinds of false promises, even thanking the victim for bringing certain things to his or her attention, that he or she will surely change if given just one more chance.  Let me tell, you, I’ve seen how disgustingly dishonest these people can be – they have no intention of changing anything – other than to make things even more miserable for their object of rage – out of their sadistic, vengeful ways.  I’d be willing to bet that there are tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of people, maybe more, in this country who are in such situations.  Some will end up with the victim eventually escaping without too much harm, others end up in a life or lives, being destroyed, others will end up with one or more people dead.  As for the one person who I’m close to, who motivated me to write this, I know he’s tired, beat down, depressed, and doesn’t see much hope in escaping without at least one life being taken – very likely his own.  He doesn’t seem to be sad about it, just matter of fact.  The worst part is, though, that there are so many kind, innocent folks out there who are sad about it, who do want to live, wanting to live a life of their own choosing, without being dictated to, without being threatened, bullied, pushed around, and otherwise treated with such gross disrespect and sadism.  I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Robin Williams, Depression, And Harmful "Therapies"

On Robin Williams, the guy had been fighting with depression for decades. Depression is in epidemic proportions in this country - has been, and been escalating for at least 30 years. While there are many contributing factors to depression, the point I want to make here is that I've experienced first hand, this "Mindfulness" and "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" nonsense. This stuff is dangerous. Every part of this harmful school of thought is based on suppressing emotion - and it's my belief that the WORST thing a person can do is suppress emotion. That's not to be confused with having a conniption every time something happens that you don't like. I'm saying that these Pop Psychology gurus will tell you to hide from and deny anything emotional - that you must only acknowledge the "Positive", and ignore and deny the non positive. Even when you try to tell them your experiences - the things that you believe are causing or contributing to your depression - they will cut you off, citing, "Those statements are not helpful". What a bunch of crap. It makes a hell of a lot more sense to get the things out in front of the person, as well as the professional, so the depressed person can be guided on how to DEAL WITH his problems. If the patient is allowed to air his thoughts, beliefs, and gripes, the professional should be able to have a good idea on what the underlying problems are. This goes for depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and other mental and emotional disorders. My guess is that Robin Williams had the best mental health care available to the human race - and look what good it did him. What so many people are not aware of is that depression and suicide are rampant - we only heard about Robin's death because he is a celebrity - we don't hear about the countless everyday people who are losing their families, their livelihoods, and yes, their lives. It sickens me that these so called "Professionals" who indoctrinate us with these horrible ideas are making billions of dollars a year - while making the current mental health problem in this country exponentially worse. I'll take this a step further and say that we should learn the basics of life, society, what to realistically expect when you get out into the real world - we should learn this stuff in school - it could replace some of the stupid, inane, and useless B.S. that they've been forcing on students for decades. We're all told that we can do anything we want, that we are totally and absolutely responsible for what happens to us, and for what our life will be like - and that, as most of us have learned, is a big, fat lie; it sets us up for perceived failure, depression, and subsequently all the common brain numbing devices. So, for anybody who has experienced, or is experiencing depression, please do your best to find help from the school of thought that is based in finding the root of the problems, not denying and hiding from them. And, at the first sign of "Mindfulness", or "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy", run screaming - I promise you'll be much better off.

To Robin Williams, my hat's off to you for all you did for us, and I'll also say that I so much wish I could have helped you in some way. Rest in peace.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Eh Barney Fife, You Can Fuck Off, You Little Bitch

For most of my adult life, I took risks, I took every opportunity possible, I got good at something, I showed respect, unless given a reason not to, and in general, I went for it.  Most things didn’t work out, I ended up playing in cities and towns all over the U.S., a few places in England, and one place in Peru (of all places).  There were times when I felt I was at the end of a rope, ready to take a fall into the depths of where I couldn’t begin to imagine.  The funny part of all this is that in every dire situation, some idea or perceived opportunity would appear out of nowhere – giving me some ray of light, thinking that maybe if I take this opportunity, that magically this would be the time that I finally get my shot.  This has happened hundreds of times.  As I’m sure I’ve said here more than a few times, I’ve always felt like I was being watched, controlled, screwed with, manipulated, and exploited – for other people’s benefit, and for some unknown entity’s amusement.  Sometimes I believe I’m some kind of social experiment.  The Pop Psychology Crowd would likely say that I have some kind of “Delusions Of Grandeur” complex, and/or a “Persecution Complex”.  Well, in my case, bullshit – no one person can have this many crappy things happen without somebody or something causing them to happen.  It’s not like I spent my life drunk, stoned, lazy, inactive, risk free, or partaking in any illicit or stupid behavior.  I never smoked, never did any kind of drugs, never drank, never spend money frivolously, and I even made decent money playing music for the most part.  I’m not an overly dimwitted person, I’m not exactly street smart, but I’m not dumb, either.  My worst crime is that I’m too trusting.  All that being said, I often wonder how the hell I ended up in such a ridiculously horrid situation – or situations.  I’ve been putting up with self serving, manipulative, bullying asses for no less than the past five years.  These are people who pretended to want to help me, but actually only wanted something for themselves.  There was one guy who it appears actually did want to help me, but his psychotic wife was bound and determined to get me as far away from her husband’s house and life as humanly possible – AND, if I mentioned some of the horrible things she did to me, you probably wouldn’t believe it.  Five scorned women over the five years, even though I always told all of them right up front that I was not going to date anybody.  Then there’s the pathologically angry, resentful, delusional one who has the worst case of a Superiority Complex, and the worst case of denial I’ve ever seen, and who bases everything (and I mean EVERYTHING)  on the almighty dollar – as if she were hurting for money (which she is very much not).  I’m gonna do something that the Pop Psychology Crowd SO hates – I’m going to do, “I would never do this or that”.  That’s right, if it were me who had money, but no interests, no hobby, no goals, and was just sitting around waiting to die, I would be beyond happy to support my artist girlfriend’s interest – provided she was serious, and had some amount of ability for it.  My point is not to list all these people’s crappy things that they did, my point is that since my way of making a living has been taken away – by no doing of my own, I have been treated like a piece of trash that you toss in the dumpster, I’ve been bullied beyond belief, and there is not a damn thing I’ve been able to do about it.  Besides the horrid living situations, I’ve also been homeless.  At the places I play, some of the customers have no problem walking up to me and trying to knock me down a peg or two – using any and all kinds of bullshit ammunition they can muster up.  For the record, I’ve never doubted me or my abilities – I am fully aware of my virtues, my abilities, my strong suits, and my shortcomings, and I’m perfectly ok with all of it.
I digress.  At this moment, while things are more dire (for me) than they’ve ever been, another couple of ideas came flying in out of left field – causing me to instinctively think that maybe there some way of climbing out of this gaping hole that I’ve been in for way too long.  They came to me by way of media – media that it’s well known (by anyone who has been observing me for any length of time) that I witness most every day.  I think that by now I should know better – that this crap is nothing more than a distraction, a way of manipulating me into hanging on for just a little while longer – because whoever is orchestrating this B.S. is not done being amused by it all, or maybe the experiment is not finished.  Whatever the case, I’m pretty damn tired, and I might just say the hell with it before too long.  The music business is gone, the days when talent, ability, and hard work paid off at least some of the time, are gone.  I also think I may just be too old to be on a stage.  I don’t look quite like an old guy, but it’s also obvious I’m no kid, either.
So, while I do my damnedest to bite my tongue, and avoid any kind of confrontation that will very likely get me thrown out into the street, I also get more and more tired and disgusted with life, people, and my endlessly bizarre situations.  One thing for sure, should I get tossed out of here, I will not give the universe the pleasure of seeing me grovel and starve out there, and I will be happy to first tell the universe to fuck off, then sign out for the last time.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

If You Are Afraid Of It, Then You Must Kill It...

We have been conditioned to be a nation, more likely a world, of wimps.  We’ve all seen what people do when they’re afraid of something.  Those who are afraid of gay people will mock, ridicule, bully, scoff at, ignore, and even murder them.  Same goes for different races, different religious or political beliefs – one group will always try to belittle and/or shut down anyone or anything they do not understand, and that they are afraid of.  Well, I’ve been seeing this one become worse with every day that goes by – those who are not afraid of the truth – they will get it from all sides, and they will be on the receiving end of every cheap, cowardly tactic known to the human race.
When I was in the fourth grade, for whatever reason, I started to see the world as it was, and not as I wanted it to be.  I saw the wrongdoings of teachers and other faculty members, of other students, and even of people in positions of power.  I would sometimes state my disdain for such people, and let me tell you, the bullying would ensue – teachers who would use their position to shut me up, they ridiculed me, they mocked me.  Lucky for me, being a little kid, I didn’t do this very often.  As I got older, into intermediate (these days known as “Middle School”) and high school, it got worse.  If I dared to point out an unfairness – especially if it was being committed by a person of power – whether it be a teacher, staff member, or other society official, holy hell, the wrath of Khan would rain down on me.  Has anyone ever noticed what happens when a kid, or even an adult for that matter, stands up to a bully?  The first thing that happens is that some person of authority, a teacher, a cop, a store manager, a lawyer, a judge, will wag his finger in anger and disgust – AT THE PERSON WHO JUST STOPPED A BULLY.  Their justification being, “It doesn’t matter who starts it!!!”, and/or, “YOU CANNOT TAKE THE LAW INTO YOUR OWN HANDS!!!”.  Well, sir and madam, it DOES matter who starts it, and the law has not a damn thing to do with what’s right or wrong.  Yes, some of the bystanders might cheer you on, mostly somewhat secretly, but when being watched, they will scoff at the reluctant warrior.
Today we have government officials who are as dirty as they come, cops, judges, large corporation ownership and upper management – all committing crimes beyond belief – and all doing so “within the law”.  We watch TV, we listen to the radio, we read publications, and it’s always the same, cheap attempts at muzzling any person who would dare to stand up against the wrongdoings of other humans – especially those in power.  We are fed cliches such as, “We must be positive”, “Do not focus on the bad”, “Be thankful for this or that”, “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all”, and other such nonsense.  This stuff has been hammered into our brains so hard and for so long that we instinctively believe it, and we even support it with an iron fist.  Any of you who are on Facebook, try posting something true, glaring, but less than pleasant, and you will be mocked, ridiculed, scoffed at, ignored, and otherwise belittled.  This is because of the simple fact that most people are afraid of the truth.  You can sometimes get away with it if you put in between some kind of humorous delivery, but for the most part, people will not like it, and they will let you know in one way or another – in either an aggressive or passive/aggressive way.
Great people have said that we must not ignore truth – ever how unpleasant and inconvenient it may be.  One quote that I see occasionally, “The worst thing a man can do in the face of evil is nothing”.  Another is “Few are the people who see with their own eyes, and feel with their own hearts”.  Then, look at all the great people who were exceptionally good at getting out the message of truth – people such as Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, even John Lennon – same, they are mocked, ridiculed, scoffed at, banned from the country, ignored, and eventually murdered.  Now, I don’t claim to be great – as these folks, but I do relate to them in the way that they were treated by people who were afraid of them.  Bill Cosby fairly recently said, when asked why he felt the need to talk about such “Negative” things, replied, “Because, the good things are doing a fine job of taking care of themselves”.
I was this skinny kid with the goofy smile – na├»ve as could be, it was said by more than a few of my teachers that I lacked self confidence, yet I was bullied by these same teachers for saying and doing things that they didn’t want to hear or see – again, very occasionally, but still...
When I was about 17, I hung out at a rec. center at the trailer park I lived in.  It wasn’t my place, I was staying with a friend and his parents.  I hung out at the trailer park rec. center, where an older guy, Dave, took a liking to me for some reason.  One of the things he said to me was, “You’re too damn honest for your own good”.  He meant that in a helpful and kind way, he wasn’t being derogatory by any means.  At the time, I had no idea what he was trying to tell me, and it took me well into my 40s before I knew what he meant, and boy, let me tell, you I sure know NOW what he meant.
We are witnessing the deterioration of the human race, we are watching people be murdered, and starved to death.  We are watching the greedy and the ruthless destroy humanity, and destroy the planet – all in the name of material profit.  We are watching the family be dismantled right in front of our very eyes.  The evil people who are perpetrating this stuff are laughing as they watch us all toiling, struggling, and dying – at the hands of them - the Rich and the Powerful.  We are watching it, while being muzzled, and we are letting them do it.  We all hide behind their clever cliches, and the useful idiots – who parrot such crap.  We have the Pop Psychology Crowd bullying us into believing that everything that everything that happens to us is our own fault, talking such nonsense as, “Only YOU are responsible for what happens in your life, for your destiny” to the extreme, in order that we do not hold the actual responsible parties responsible for their abominable behavior.
So, if you people want everyone to like you, then keep doing what you’re doing, watch Monday Night Football, drink Budweiser, and scoff at any person who dares to point out wrongdoings or injustices, hide behind all the clever cliches, go around Polly Want A Crackering the same B.S. that you hear on your favorite TV programs, or that you read in your favorite self help books.  Listen to those TV shows that try desperately to perpetuate the blatant lies that are unleashed on us all day, every day.  Don’t fight for what’s right, because nobody will like you, nobody will want to go to your house and watch the Ultimate Fighting Championships on your 300 inch HD TV.  That’s right, be a chicken shit all your life, and everyone will like you, and you will be safe.  Keep praying to that invisible guy up there in the clouds – to make everything good, because that has worked so well all throughout history.  Leave the being mocked, ridiculed, and bullied to those who have the backbone to handle it, because for god’s sake, Monday Night Football and Bud, and being liked by all is so much more fun, right?