Saturday, October 18, 2014
I was sure that yesterday was going to be the last for me. Funny thing, something happened that worked in my favor (if you want to look at it that way), and it looks like I have food for another couple of weeks. I was surprised, but well, here I am. With all that has been going on the past few years, I ask again, how is it that I could have come all this way musically, only to end up doing nothing with it? I know I wouldn’t be the only one in history, but I still wonder. I wonder it in a broad way, also, not just in one direction. I’ll have to explain that better – but another time.
I’m still in the middle of working on my CD, I haven’t had as much time as I would have liked, but I’m making progress. I don’t know what good it will do, the plan it so present it to a particular record company, and any others that I may hear about as I go. It stands to reason that I’ll get more attention with a straight ahead country and bluegrass album. And I mean traditional, nothing progressive or eclectic. I also played today at a Wellness and Healing Expo at the Convention Center today, not a paying gig (I really hate that word, but well…). I’ve been doing those lately – back to square one – trying to get people to hear me. 30 years of working my rear end off, only to end up living like this – kinda turns my stomach. It’s not that it’s so horrible here, but I should have some amount of financial freedom by now, and, I would think that my hard work and abilities would pay off at least to some small degree. This is a nasty business – I often say I wish I would have known that going in, but then I don’t know what I could have done differently if I had. I do see, though, some people doing their damnedest to fight Big Music and their bullshit, but I know it will be a slow process. I’ve already been seeing signs that Big Music is scared, they’re starting to fight extra dirty against the little guys who are trying to gain recognition, and a position in the business, not only for themselves, but for artists who have been ignored and stifled, in spite of what abilities they may have. I’m staying as close to those people as I can, and I’ve offered my help – whatever little help I may be.
So, things are touch and go, still not out of the woods, as they say. All I can do is live day to day. If it should ever happen that I get a record label to sign me, or should I get on some kind of national tour of small venues, great, but if not, well, then not.
You know what one of the things I would enjoy the most should ever I get out of this poverty B.S. – it would be SO great to not have to put up with people wagging their finger in my face, telling me what I should and shouldn’t do – that would probably be the thing I would enjoy most. Second would be using my money for good – while thumbing my nose at the money mongering investment crowd – nothing would bring me more satisfaction than to tell those f’n parasites where to stick it.
All for now.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Tonight I wanted to talk about Keith, he’s the older guy who is the maintenance man here at the Wildflower. He’s 72, not in such good health, he has, among other things, emphysema. He doesn’t have health care because as with so many people in this money based society, he cannot afford it. He’s a great guy – I couldn’t ask for a better co-worker. He’s always cheerful, never snippy or angry, he’s precise and thorough when he gives me instructions, and he never gives off the vibe that I’m in his way, that I’m bothering him, or that I’m stupid. He knows his stuff, but arrogance doesn’t exist anywhere in his being. He barely squeaks by on his paycheck, he barely has enough to eat, and, he has a supply of ramen for when he’s out of food. Keith is all alone – I haven’t heard about any friends, he has no girlfriend or wife, seemingly nobody who actually cares about him. I find this sad beyond belief. I help Keith as much as I can, in any way I can, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough, and I don’t know what else to do.
I guess this is just another thing that causes me to hate the world so much. He’s only 12 years older than I am. I’m about a half inch away from being homeless, and from running out of food. I don't have a phone, either - not that I need one. I have no family to speak of, and nobody who really cares about me - but believe it or not, I'm ok with all of that - not the almost most homeless or almost out of food part - but everything else. I’ve already done my usual with at least one of the people here – I somehow caused her to have some degree of dislike for me – and I’ve only been here a little over three weeks. I’ve known for quite a while that I’m not the most likeable guy, but well, the degree, and the uncanny ability to incite such dislike, and even contempt – is amazing, even to me. Keith is not the usual kind of person, and he seems to be just fine with me. I also don’t seem to have that problem with animals. On that, I’ve befriended the little cat that lives here – she still won’t come all the way up to me – about three feet is about as close as she’ll get – as opposed to when I first started seeing her, where she’d run whenever I was anywhere in her sight. Anyway, I’ve always said that I don’t care that most people don’t like me, I only care that the genuine, the completely honest, and the ones who possess real integrity find me worthy of their respect. I tell you, there aren’t many people out there who are worthy of MY respect, as I’ve said many times here, most people cause me great disgust. When I say “Completely honest”, “Genuine”, and “Those who possess real integrity”, I mean those who have these traits all the way down to their core. It means that while they may not steal an old woman’s purse, when it comes to their personal integrity – are they honest about what they believe, what they feel, and do they live what they proclaim? Most people don’t, I’ve heard, more times than I can begin to count, people pointing fingers at me, or exclaiming some cliché that they stumbled across, and in the same breath, contradict it, both verbally and in action. Example: I’ve had many a finger wagged in my face in anger at something I supposedly did or said, right after they just got done telling me I shouldn’t take anything personally, and that I shouldn’t react to anything other people do. Ah well, my ass backward energy field at work once again – that, or most people’s unending bullshit – either way, I always seem to be the one to pay for it all – my own, AND everybody else’s.
I won’t allow me to end up like Keith – and I don’t say that in any kind of condescending way. He chooses to live – even with all he has to deal with – being in bad health, being destitute, and being alone, and that’s perfectly ok, because it’s his choice, and his choice alone. Me, I’ll be dust in the ground long before I let the universe deal me any more bullshit. I have thoughts at this moment about checking the hell out of here – not strong ones, but they’re there. I have a couple of things in the works as I write this, if they don’t pan out within a reasonable amount of time, it just might be the end of my journey in this horribly sadistic place.
I’ll leave it there for now, little diary, and I’ll probably talk to you again soon.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Hi Callie, I miss you.
I’m still here, things are not as bad as I expected, in fact, I’m doing fairly well so far in my new home. I don’t know how long that will last, but for now, things are ok.
A couple of weeks ago, the management here told me I needed to get some kittens to the Humane Society, they were from a cat that has been here a while. These kittens were less than three weeks old, but if they would have been here much longer, it would have been impossible to catch them. I hated taking those babies from their mom, but I was told to do it, so I had to do it. The mother cat is little, she’s full grown, and has been here for quite a while from what I understand, and she’s had a few litters of kittens. She is beyond smart, not only has she survived here for all this time, but she outsmarted the traps that were set to catch her, so she could also go to the Humane Society. This particular place has a “No kill” policy, so I think any cat or kitten that ends up there would be ok. Anyway, I’ve been trying to befriend this mother cat. She roams around the whole day, I guess looking for food, she doesn’t look undernourished or beat up. She’s been coming closer and closer to me, like she wants to come up to me, but she’s afraid of humans – stupid goddam humans who, I’m sure, have tried to hurt or kill her. She was right outside my door when I went outside to get some fresh air, and she didn’t run, so she’s not as afraid of me as she is, I’m sure, of most people. She looks so lonely and sad, maybe it’s my imagination, but she does, I wish she could know that I would never hurt her. There are a couple of other cats here, but for some reason, I favor this one – maybe because of her sad, lonely demeanor – I relate to that, I guess. A little while ago, I was outside, and she was crouched about 20 feet away from me, while I talked to her – I was out there for a good 20 minutes or so, and she didn’t go anywhere until I had to come back inside. I realize I cannot keep a cat – for one thing, it’s against the rules here, and, my lifestyle doesn’t allow me to have animals – much as I love them. I would still like to get her where she would spend time with me while I am here.I’m still sad because I had to leave Callie. Callie is the best cat I’ve ever known – a special kind of “best”. She is unassuming, non demanding, never gets into anything, and always seems to understand when I tell her something. There were the times when I’d get on my computer at night – she liked to jump up and lay on my lap while I’m watching TV, but when I’m on the computer, it’s too hard on my back to sit in one position for more than a few minutes. So, I would tell her, “Ok Callie, you have to sit on my chair (the recliner) while I do my work, ok, I’ll come back here and be with you then”. Well, she would stay right there, sleep on the recliner until I got done on the computer, I’d pick her up and put her on my lap, and she’s sleep there. It seemed that was her safe, comfortable place. Sometimes at night, I would open the patio doors to let Molly – the other cat – out because she is so much an outdoor cat. Callie would go out and sit on the ledge, just sit or crouch there for quite a while – just watching things go by, not caring to chase anything. Sometimes she would jump down on the outside, look around the immediate area, then come right back to her spot. She is the most loving cat I ever knew. As I said before, she was severely abused for the first year of her life, and for her to have turned out to be the way she did is nothing short of amazing. I’ll always love her, I hope she knows that, but I guess I can’t assume anything. I got ripped away from her as a result of things that were completely out of my control – as most things in this world are.
Yes, I’m feeling sad tonight after seeing the sad cat outside, and after thinking about Callie, and it brings to mind my wonder why the world is so sadistic. I’m horrified at the amount of pain, suffering, and grief that is all around me. I’ve said many times that I ended up here by some massive mistake – I honestly don’t belong here. Fairly recently I came to not take my own life so seriously, meaning that should my quality of life deteriorate to the point where it doesn’t suit me, I’ll check out on my own terms, and I won’t be sad about it. Actually, my quality of life has never suited me, but I guess my thought is that if it gets worse, should things go sour here, should I run out of food, or should I end up headed to live in the street, that will be that, no more. I don’t think this is from depression, I think it’s just that I’m tired, and disgusted at all the grief in the world, I detest the fact that the mean, ruthless people seem to live an easy life, while decent people struggle their whole lives, losing most of what they earn – and I’m no exception to that. Then there’s the animal kingdom – much of which saddens me beyond belief. Humans are annihilating them, we keep them in zoos, people kill them for no real reason other than greed, and some just for some kind of sick pleasure - and that ain't the half of it. I can’t even afford to feed this cat here, being that I’m about a half an inch away from living on the street mice elf. I did get her some food earlier, though, because she looked so sad, and because I can't look at a hungry animal and be ok. I hope I can catch her, take her to the Humane Society so she can get spayed, that way there won't be any more hungry, homeless cats or kittens running around here. I really do hate this world, and when it’s time for me to go, I’ll be happy about it. I know nobody will care, and I’m ok with that, being that I don’t care all that much for humans, either. Funny, I love Callie more than I ever loved any human. Not because I’m some kind of animal pervert, but because most humans disgust me. There are, of course, a few exceptions, but not very damn many. While every single human I cared about has lashed out at me – more often than not – many times, Callie has never done that, always wanting to be near me or on me – feeling safe and welcome there. I know that before she met me, she never felt welcome in the world, she spent all of her time thinking, "Please don't hurt me again". I guess I never felt welcome here in this world, either, and surprisingly enough, I’m ok with that, too, but I always felt welcome with that little cat.Ok, I guess that’s all for tonight. I so wish I could see Callie, hold her, tell her that I love her, but as with most things in this sorry world, not gonna happen.