Friday, October 10, 2014

For The Sad Little Cat Here, and Missing Callie...

Hi Callie, I miss you. 
I’m still here, things are not as bad as I expected, in fact, I’m doing fairly well so far in my new home.  I don’t know how long that will last, but for now, things are ok.
A couple of weeks ago, the management here told me I needed to get some kittens to the Humane Society, they were from a cat that has been here a while.  These kittens were less than three weeks old, but if they would have been here much longer, it would have been impossible to catch them.  I hated taking those babies from their mom, but I was told to do it, so I had to do it.  The mother cat is little, she’s full grown, and has been here for quite a while from what I understand, and she’s had a few litters of kittens.  She is beyond smart, not only has she survived here for all this time, but she outsmarted the traps that were set to catch her, so she could also go to the Humane Society.  This particular place has a “No kill” policy, so I think any cat or kitten that ends up there would be ok.  Anyway, I’ve been trying to befriend this mother cat.  She roams around the whole day, I guess looking for food, she doesn’t look undernourished or beat up.  She’s been coming closer and closer to me, like she wants to come up to me, but she’s afraid of humans – stupid goddam humans who, I’m sure, have tried to hurt or kill her.  She was right outside my door when I went outside to get some fresh air, and she didn’t run, so she’s not as afraid of me as she is, I’m sure, of most people.  She looks so lonely and sad, maybe it’s my imagination, but she does, I wish she could know that I would never hurt her.  There are a couple of other cats here, but for some reason, I favor this one – maybe because of her sad, lonely demeanor – I relate to that, I guess.  A little while ago, I was outside, and she was crouched about 20 feet away from me, while I talked to her – I was out there for a good 20 minutes or so, and she didn’t go anywhere until I had to come back inside.  I realize I cannot keep a cat – for one thing, it’s against the rules here, and, my lifestyle doesn’t allow me to have animals – much as I love them.  I would still like to get her where she would spend time with me while I am here.
I’m still sad because I had to leave Callie.  Callie is the best cat I’ve ever known – a special kind of “best”.  She is unassuming, non demanding, never gets into anything, and always seems to understand when I tell her something.  There were the times when I’d get on my computer at night – she liked to jump up and lay on my lap while I’m watching TV, but when I’m on the computer, it’s too hard on my back to sit in one position for more than a few minutes.  So, I would tell her, “Ok Callie, you have to sit on my chair (the recliner) while I do my work, ok, I’ll come back here and be with you then”.  Well, she would stay right there, sleep on the recliner until I got done on the computer, I’d pick her up and put her on my lap, and she’s sleep there.  It seemed that was her safe, comfortable place.  Sometimes at night, I would open the patio doors to let Molly – the other cat – out because she is so much an outdoor cat.  Callie would go out and sit on the ledge, just sit or crouch there for quite a while – just watching things go by, not caring to chase anything.  Sometimes she would jump down on the outside, look around the immediate area, then come right back to her spot.  She is the most loving cat I ever knew.  As I said before, she was severely abused for the first year of her life, and for her to have turned out to be the way she did is nothing short of amazing.  I’ll always love her, I hope she knows that, but I guess I can’t assume anything.  I got ripped away from her as a result of things that were completely out of my control – as most things in this world are.

Yes, I’m feeling sad tonight after seeing the sad cat outside, and after thinking about Callie, and it brings to mind my wonder why the world is so sadistic.  I’m horrified at the amount of pain, suffering, and grief that is all around me.  I’ve said many times that I ended up here by some massive mistake – I honestly don’t belong here.  Fairly recently I came to not take my own life so seriously, meaning that should my quality of life deteriorate to the point where it doesn’t suit me, I’ll check out on my own terms, and I won’t be sad about it.  Actually, my quality of life has never suited me, but I guess my thought is that if it gets worse, should things go sour here, should I run out of food, or should I end up headed to live in the street, that will be that, no more.  I don’t think this is from depression, I think it’s just that I’m tired, and disgusted at all the grief in the world, I detest the fact that the mean, ruthless people seem to live an easy life, while decent people struggle their whole lives, losing most of what they earn – and I’m no exception to that.  Then there’s the animal kingdom – much of which saddens me beyond belief.  Humans are annihilating them, we keep them in zoos, people kill them for no real reason other than greed, and some just for some kind of sick pleasure - and that ain't the half of it.  I can’t even afford to feed this cat here, being that I’m about a half an inch away from living on the street mice elf.  I did get her some food earlier, though, because she looked so sad, and because I can't look at a hungry animal and be ok.  I hope I can catch her, take her to the Humane Society so she can get spayed, that way there won't be any more hungry, homeless cats or kittens running around here.  I really do hate this world, and when it’s time for me to go, I’ll be happy about it.  I know nobody will care, and I’m ok with that, being that I don’t care all that much for humans, either.  Funny, I love Callie more than I ever loved any human.  Not because I’m some kind of animal pervert, but because most humans disgust me.  There are, of course, a few exceptions, but not very damn many.  While every single human I cared about has lashed out at me – more often than not – many times, Callie has never done that, always wanting to be near me or on me – feeling safe and welcome there.  I know that before she met me, she never felt welcome in the world, she spent all of her time thinking, "Please don't hurt me again".  I guess I never felt welcome here in this world, either, and surprisingly enough, I’m ok with that, too, but I always felt welcome with that little cat.
Ok, I guess that’s all for tonight.  I so wish I could see Callie, hold her, tell her that I love her, but as with most things in this sorry world, not gonna happen.

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