Wednesday, June 3, 2015

I Don't Have A Title For This One...

I like to say I don’t know how this happened, I don’t know how my life ended up to be what it is, but the fact is that I DO know – I’ve discussed that at length in other parts of my blog, so no need to go into again here.  If somebody would have come to me when I was in my 20s and said, you’ll never get a fair shot at the music business, that your way of making a living will be taken away at some point, and you will be stifled beyond your wildest imagination, and that you would be living with a girl who has no regard for your feelings, or your anything, that you were going to be under lock and key, told what and what not to do, that you would be sniped at and bossed around, with absolutely no recourse, that there will not be a damn thing you can do about it, I would have laughed it off.  Well, all that and then some has happened.  I know, all the way down to my core, that I did everything right, I got good at something, I devoted my life to it, I studied it the best I could, I learned to play TEN instruments – and not just dabbled, I mean I can actually play them.  I gave without taking.  I took calculated risks, I treated people with respect – except when given a reason not to.  I’ve never done a drug in my life, never smoked, never was a drinker or a gambler, and I didn’t go onto a stage so that I could get free alcohol and chase girls.  I took it seriously enough to do it right.

I know I’ve stated the following before in my blog – probably more than a few times.  I’m not absolutely sure about any of the reasons, but what I do know is that I have been stifled, and I have been singled out, targeted.  I have had some of the most absurd situations beat me over the head – against astronomical odds, and always in the way that it would cause me to not have a shot at what I was going after – that includes little league baseball, high school basketball, and music, well, and life.

I have had contempt tossed in my direction constantly and endlessly – not sure about the reasons, but I’m sure I’m not inaccurate in this observation.  The bullying I endured as a kid – was not from other kids, but from full grown adults – and continues to this day, to this instant.  On that, not only do I have more people that I can count come at me with unwarranted aggression and hostility – out there in public, but I get it right here where I live.  This person has no problem bullying me, sniping at me, arguing with me, telling me what to do and what not to do.  She will not stand up against any person out there in the world – including aunts, uncles, cousins, acquaintances, and whoever else, the only person she will snipe at, argue with, play the guilt game with, make demands on, and threaten, is me – the one person who has no escape, no recourse.  She has absolutely no regard for me in any way.  Oh yeah, she pretends, and she denies like no person I’ve ever met, but again, no regard for me.  She counts pennies, she controls the money, she decides what we will and will not do.  She tells me what I can believe, what I can think, what I can say, what musical acts I can like or dislike – and when I dare to stand up for myself, holy hell, out come the smartass remarks, the taunting, the threats, the bullying, the “Then you can just get the fuck out”, and whatever else.  She gloats, and she is arrogant and smug.  She brought me here, not the place I wanted to go, but she's in charge, she knows it, and has no problem shoving that in my face every chance she gets.  She has kept me here for 3-1/2 years, while I haven't worked a day in this town.  I'm beginning to believe she likes it that way - she likes the control, and as I said, gloating, arrogant, smug.  I have been working my goddam ass off for four years, trying to get work, trying to contact music related people, trying to get working in casinos, restaurants, bars, and I had my ads out on sites such as Gig Salad and Gigmasters – with zero results.  I put it under the heading of Hawaiian music – which not many outside of Hawaii can do – same – nothing.  I even applied for jobs outside of music, and actually landed one.  I just lost the job up in Lake Tahoe, I liked it, I was there and she was here, only coming up to see me every couple of weeks – meaning I wasn’t dealing with daily sniping and other bullying.  My headaches stopped – keeping in mind that before I met this self serving ass, I never had a headache in my life.  Before heading up there, I was completely burned out and disgusted with playing any instruments – and hadn’t touched a guitar, or anything, for 8 or 9 months.  After being in Tahoe for just over a week, my enthusiasm for playing came back, I enjoyed playing again, and I spent time doing just that.  One of the things I was able to do was play with nobody around – nobody to be offended that I was living my life, that I was doing something they couldn’t, something that was intruding on their life, intruding in their universe.  I lost that job because of one sick, vindictive lowlife who had it in for me – because she didn’t want to be responsible for what she did, and because she wasn’t going to stand up to her co-workers – the ones who went to bat for me, she was going to bully me, punish me, the one who couldn’t fight back, for her bullshit.  I should be used to that, being that it’s been the story of my life.

At this point, I don’t have much hope or possibility of getting out of this miserable situation – add to that the fact that I’ve been doing everything humanly possible for the past few years – even before the past 3-1/2 years, to no avail.  When I arrived back in the U.S. from Peru in 2009, the economy had collapsed, and I haven’t worked much since.  Incidentally, Peru was  a huge lie – I was once again duped by a very clever, persistent, and charming person – who, for the most part, lied to and manipulated me in order to get full control of my life.  When I was finally able to escape, I came back to this huge mess of a life that is now the American condition.  One thought that stays with me for most of the day, every day is, if I thought this was going to be life indefinitely, if I know for sure that I will never work again, that I will be controlled by this sadistic, delusional person for much longer, I would cut my wrists this minute.  I don’t know how much more of this abuse I can take before I fire back, and when I do, rather than face the crooked laws land their minions, I’ll check out, that is a promise that I made to me a while back.  Oh, and I always keep my promises.

The contempt I’ve been on the receiving end of since I was a little kid, that has continued up until this minute, well, I seem to have endured it, yes, it’s taken its toll on me, both physically and mentally, but I’ve learned to live with it.  But being under control of this jack booted coward is beyond all, and I know I cannot continue to live this way.  So, I’ll see where my last few efforts take me, if anywhere, and if they end up where all the rest of my efforts have, and my quality of life gets to the point where I’ve just goddam had enough, I will check out, and I won’t be sad about it.

That’s about all I have for now, little diary.  Should that happen, my biggest grief will be that Callie, the most loving, unassuming, and magnificent cat I’ve ever known, who is so much like me, will have to stay here in this disgusting place, and she’ll have to do that without me.  I’m sorry, Callie, but 59 years of this shit is just fucking enough already, and I just can’t do it anymore.  I love you more than I ever loved any person, I hope you know that.  If things should turn around, I’ll spend my life taking care of you, and doing the best I know how to protect you and show you that you’re loved, and welcome in the world – even though, other than me, you’ve no way of knowing that.

All for now.