Over the past few weeks, I've been looking back at my life. I'd heard all my life, "Do what makes you happy, chase your dreams". Well, the cliche sounds pretty, but in reality, we are brainwashed into thinking we must get a "Real job', we must make that paycheck, that any passion we have for anything other than the menial jobs that are put in front of us is a "Pipe dream", that we cannot have that Peter Pan Syndrome. So, 99% of the population of this country is spending its life doing something menial, and something they hate. That being said, I have spent most of my adult life playing music for a living, a puny living for the most part, living in poverty most of the time, but, being able to do what I loved while making a meager paycheck.
What did hit me, though, just in the past couple of weeks is, while I did get to do music for the past 39 years, I missed out on so much. Let me preface the next segment by saying that I know people hate it when you blame other people, or even give the appearance that you are blaming somebody else, but I have to say this anyway. Every girl I've ever been with has been horribly controlling, jealous, clingy, demanding, resentful, and mean spirited. Well, with the exception of one. I did manage to be on the receiving end of the old, "Don't worry, I can't get pregnant" line. So, I spent the next18 years doing the best I could raising the boy. Fast forward to 2010, where I have spent from then until now doing absolutely nothing, other than playing out for money.
What finally hit me over the past few weeks is that I need to, before I drop dead, do a few more things. I've stumbled onto a situation where I can play music and make some decent money. Besides getting my life back, which, by the way, I'd been trying to do for no less than the past seven years, the plan is to get a few things paid off, then get my clothing line up and running. About a year ago, I wasted around $3000, paying some fly by night outfit in India to manufacture my shirts - which was the first part of the clothing line. After months and months of being jerked around by the owner of the place, he finally sends me a sample. The sample was fine, so I gave him the go ahead. I'd given him the precise measurements, colors, material, the whole works. Well, when the shirts finally arrived - again, months after they were promised, they were horrible. He had skewed the measurements, and the sleeves were horribly disproportionate. So, being that they were unusable, and there was no way that I could have, in good conscience, sold them, I ended up donating the whole lot to a drive in Reno for kids who had had their homes burned down, with everything they owned inside.
So, here I am now, with this opportunity to make some decent money, get back in front of things - which I actually was up until about six months ago, then get the clothing line up and running. I do plan to head up to central California and northern Nevada, where all those fires were last summer, to see if I can get some decent photographs to add to my catalog, and hopefully get that business also up and running. I won't go into the details on that right now, but that is something I've had in the works for a while, also. If I can actually get the clothing line where it's bringing me even a small income, the next step is to head to Nashville. I've mentioned before that I'm sure they have me on some kind of shit list, to make sure to keep me locked out of anything music in that town. I know no record label is going to sign me, but I have two objectives. One is to see if I can find some musical communities to hang out it. When I was there in 2004, I stumbled across a banjo hangout, where there were some banjo players who would get together once or twice a week and just play I figure there are probably similar communities in traditional country music, pre 90s. I would think that there are probably also bluegrass related groups, and hopefully the banjo ones will still be going. While I do this, I also plan to try to see if I can get into the Bluebird, not to play, but to see what plays there these days. If there are other places where similar things happen, I'll see what those are about. Last but not least, I plan to go down to Broadway and busk (play in the street). The objective of this would be to do nothing more than ruffle some feathers. I cannot begin to tell you how much I detest the whole Nashville record label scene, because of the despicable corruption that goes on in that business. So, If I can be a thorn in the side of these disgusting people, I will gladly do just that.
That's the short term plan, I don't really see past any of this, so I'll just play it by ear, and if something else presents itself, I'll do it. Until then, I'll stay in Nashville as long as I feel like it, maybe move on at some point, see what other nature related scenario I can find.
These things are not far in the future. At the moment, I'm in New Mexico, in a town where busking is permitted, and where the busking situation is ideal - as long as weather permits. Weather, this year, has been horrible, cold, windy, rainy, and with more snow than they've seen in decades. So, here in March, I've only been able to go out there a handful of times. Things have gotten dire, to the point where I'll have to pawn my PA mixing board tomorrow, after At&t put a $700 charge on my phone bill this past week, which a good part of will be refunded, but not until next month, so that doesn't help me now. So, get through the month, hopefully the weather will not continue to shatter records, and I'll be able to get out and play. For the record, the handful of times I have been able to play, with very few people out and about, I still did ok. Doing the math, keeping in mind that things rarely go as planned, I should be able to get out of debt, get my clothing line started, and head to Nashville by early winter this year.
One thing I hope I've learned is, not to let any woman come into my life and control me, guilt me, or otherwise manipulate me into forsaking what I want to do, so I can do what she wants me to do. Again having spent my whole life doing that, I hope I'm smart enough, and savvy enough to run screaming if any girl I should meet shows signs of such gross disrespect, and abusive behavior.
There's also this: I've fought with severe depression and anxiety since around 2002 (that I'm aware of), and I'm figuring the biggest contributor to that is that I've never had a realistic opportunity to do anything for me, always being manipulated into doing what the significant other wants. No more, dummy. Hopefully I can do this stuff before I drop dead. I am in good health, except the blood pressure - which is through the roof. The couple of things I thought before, that the pancreas was failing, finally went to a doctor, to find out that everything is fine, except for the blood pressure. Eyes have been affected, but not by blood pressure, it's just one of those things that happens at my age. The stomach thing seems to have remedied itself. If I can get out an hike, be active, like I've been all my life before I got into this prison situation eight long years ago, I'm sure the blood pressure will go back down. On that, last winter I lived up in Lake Tahoe, in my car, I was hiking 3, 4 times a week - 3, 4 miles a day, plus being in the gym seven days a week, doing full workouts, including up to 20 minutes of jumping rope. I'm guessing my frame of mind will be much better, my attitude will be better, and my body may not give out before its time.
Ok, hopefully by the next time I visit my blog here, I will have something good to write about.
