Well, Dear Diary...

...this might actually be one of the last times you’ll hear from me.  After three years of being at the hands of an abusive, narcissistic woman, she finally pushed me past my breaking point.  She pushed and pushed and pushed.  There was no damage, luckily I caught myself before I really did anything.  I guess it’s lucky that I didn’t start punching - she would have deserved it - being the vindictive, bullying, smart mouthed thing that she is.  I saw the satisfaction in her voice and in her body language when she screamed, “YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!!!”.  Yes, I was outta there, but not because she said so, I was out of there because I won’t be with a person who not only has the ability, but the intention – of pushing me to that point.  Not only that, but she has been trying to push me to that point for three years.  Any other guy would have beat the daylights out of her three years ago.  She knew I had no way out, and boy did she ever enjoy the control, the smartass, and the bullying.  She knew what smartass did to me, she knew my history, and that’s why she did it, it was her favorite weapon, and her way of punishing me for whatever garbage was in her head.  So, no more smartass directed at me, no more threats, no more listening to the endless sniping and disrespect, and no more bullying – on any front.

So, now I’m here at a place where I’m not sure what will happen.  The owner of this complex pretty much found me on her doorstep, and offered help.  She’s not made of money, either, so it’s not like I’m rescued, and I’m damn sure not out of the woods.  I may run out of food in 3 or 4 days.  If by some miracle that doesn’t happen, I don’t know what will happen beyond that.  I’m sure I won’t be able to pull off something that I haven’t been able to in the two miserable years I’ve been in this horrible town – I haven’t worked a day since I got here, and damn, magically I’ll get work – not likely.  That’s not to say I won’t try, I’ll do everything I can, but in my experience, when I’m in a race against the clock, I lose every time.

I know I’ve said this a few times over the years, but here it is again, I am damn tired of being kicked around by the forces of the universe, and whatever else has been going on.  It’s not “Poor me”, or, “Why me?”, I’m just goddam tired of fighting – fighting while I don’t even know what the hell I’m fighting against.  Nobody will ever convince me that my life has just been the natural order of things, it is beyond obvious that somebody, or a group of somebodies – somebodies who have a lot of power – have made all these bizarre things happen.  Shit like what has happened in my life doesn’t just happen by chance – sorry, ain’t buyin’ it.

I won’t be going back to the narcissistic, vindictive woman.  All this being said, I find myself being just a little excited about this new adventure, but, I’m also not past being goddam tired of fighting.  So, should this episode go sour, I will be checking out – for good.  I’m no kid, I don’t have my whole life in front of me, and I don’t have the stamina or the enthusiasm that goes along with youth.  I may go from excited to screw it in a few days, and again, if that should happen, I will say aloha nui loa, and head out.  I don’t expect anybody to take care of me, but what I do expect is for the Powers That Be to leave me alone so I can work, get my life back, have my own little space to live my little life.  I don’t see that magically happening, either, so it seems likely to me that this is about the end of the road for me.  I don’t see life the way most people do, I don’t value it (referring to my own) all that much, it’s like any other trip I would take, I take the trip, and when I’m done, I’m done.  I’ve also said this before – I’m not sad about it, it’s just that if my quality of life continues to deescalate, it’s time to end the voyage.

Couple of closing statements:  One, I would have been happy to have moved to San Diego – which was the topic of discussion when all this bullshit hit the fan, because I’m sure I could have found steady work there, and who knows what else.  It’s not possible to convince a negative person – a person who will always look for reasons to NOT do something, as opposed to me, who has always look for reasons TO do something.  No matter how good something may look, if the person is angry and resentful, and doesn’t want to look at the possibility of good results, there’s no convincing them.  And people want me to believe that I’M the negative one.  Most of my excursions in life have not panned out – which takes me back to what I said before – things don’t just happen, they are made to happen; but I took risks, I gave up lots of things, lots of luxuries, lots of comforts, lots of things I would have liked to have, but well, here I am, having been deprived of it, and having lost what little did have – taking all those risks with no good result.  If a risky situation should be presented to me now, I’d still do it, mostly because that’s who I am.  I’m not thinking that that’s a possibility at this point, just stating that to make a point.

The second of my closing statements is, $3000+ a month for living expenses, my ass.  I wasn’t the one who was in control of the money, and, on top of that, I’m not the one with the filthy, expensive cigarette habit, or any habit, and I suspect online video gaming played a part in this – and NOT by me.  Whatever the case, I’m not buyin’ it that it can cost over three goddam thousand dollars a month for living expenses.

So, dear diary, I may or may not see you again.  If so, good, if not, maybe I’ll see you in the next rearrangement of them nasty little atoms.  Callie, I miss you terribly, and I love you more than I have any human, I hope on some level you know that, and, I hope you know I didn’t leave you by my own choice.