I guess I have about 5 months to get into the right frame of mind to face Nashville and all the bullshit that goes along with it. I think about it every day. I never was able to give it a fair shot - to be there without something screwing with my head - first time I was too new, couldn't play worth a damn, couldn't sing, didn't know how to be on stage. Second time I left my 9 year old son in Hawaii, and the nasty girl I was married to at the time liked to screw with my head, and I wasn't strong enough to fight it. Third time I didn't have any ambitions to do anything, I just wanted to see what was there - I was living in San Diego at the time and wasn't going to move. My head also wasn't in a good place, that was when my depression started to become obvious, and I was afraid of my own shadow. Well, now I'm not afraid of any of it, not afraid of being squashed, of being told I'm not good enough, or of any bigwigs feeding me their ego driven crap. I've already told a few here where to stick their B.S. I did that fairly regularly back in the 80s, but I systematically lost that confidence and backbone, and every time I got into any kind of confrontation, I fretted about it horribly. I don't really know why I seem to be doing better that way, it just seems to be happening by itself.
I'm fully aware of the condition of the music business, I know all the cheap tactics, the egos (not only from musicians, but everybody in the business), and I know they hate guys like me. What I mean by that is that I do everything that those numbskulls who go to their fancy universities think is wrong, and they can't figure out why people like it - and they really hate it when somebody breaks their stupid rules. Most musicians just follow suit - they do whatever the brass tells them to do, whatever the "artists" on the radio do - so they hate what I do every bit as much as the bigwigs do. I fully expect to be screwed with, bullied, shut down, lied to, and whatever else, but I also think that there just might be one small record label that might think I'm worth something - and if not, I'm ok with it. There's also the possibility that I might get tired before anything happens - and believe it or not, I'd be ok with that too. I'm no kid anymore, and if I think I've exhausted every possibility that I'm capable of looking at, or again, I just get too damn tired, then I'll be done. In the meantime, I'll have as much fun as I can, I'll go to every open mic and jam session I can find. I'm ready for all the smart ass mucicians, I have mouthfuls, and maybe a slam against the nearest wall for any of 'em who think they'll screw with me. I don't mean to sound like Mr. Toughguy, it's just the way it is - I only hope I don't lose that again. I also plan to look for people to play behind - singers, songwriters. Also also, I might think about going to venues other than just straight ahead country ones - I kinda like the folky type places that I've been in fairly recently. I feel like Rocky before the first Apollo Creed fight - expecting to get the stuff beat out of me, but it's what I need to do, and I expect to chase a few little peepee guys around the parking lot while I'm at it.
I guess I'm down to just a couple of tools. I used to have the guitar, fiddle, and banjo, and I guess the singing, but I'm minus the banjo these days - not sure if that'll ever come back or not. As sickened as I get when I watch any of those Country Music Awards shows, I plan to watch the one next Thursday - just to see what's out there. Most of these new guys (ones from the past 25 years) turn my stomach, but I need to see what they're doing. Country music has been in trouble for no less than 20 years - other than a small handful of half decent artists, the stuff just ain't selling. There are maybe a half a dozen playing 10,000 seaters, while the rest play 500 seaters. Of course, the publicists tell us how great the music is, and how this one sold millions, that one sold millions, but at the same time, they scream about "units" not selling, blaming piracy for their own ineptitude and ego driven B.S.
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