Thursday, September 26, 2013

Since I Was Knee High To A Pissant…

People have been trying to take away my sense of self worth.  From parents, to “friends”, to Little League baseball coaches, to teachers, to High School basketball coaches and referees, to business owners I had the misfortune of working for when I was a young adult, to people in the music business of all ranks and positions, to girlfriends and wives, and it continues to this day.  As if that’s no enough, people seem to like to push me – they seem to see me as some wimpy little mouse that they can talk to with gross disrespect, who they can bully, taunt, and whatever else – until I start belting people.  Seems that’s the only way I get any respect.  Does that mean that people define a person by the power of his right hook?  I sure goddam hope not, because that would be pitiful.  If a person is seen as kind, unassuming, non confrontational, non contentious, and soft spoken, most will see him as a fool, and will treat him accordingly – and this has been the story of my life.  Funny thing, the times I actually did knock some smartass off his feet, it was, “Oh my god, what a nasty attitude”, and, “Geez, this guy is violent”.  Isn’t verbal abuse violent?  Isn’t emotional abuse violent?  Isn’t bullying blatantly violent?  Even when I get into verbal boxing matches, I’m labeled as harsh, angry, and with a bad attitude.  People have tried to bully me into submission, they have reported to authorities, they have gone all over town, telling anybody who would listen that I’m some kind of monstrous, ill tempered dragon that needs to be slayed.  Add to that, if the person does dare to debate me face to face, they try the guilt, the shouting down, the bullying, the distorting of what I say, and every cheap debate tactic known to man and then some.  I always say, “If you start by hiding behind bullshit, you’re gonna lose”,  and I have made more enemies than I can begin to count because of this.  I won’t debate or argue unless I have facts and truth behind me – I don’t see any sense in doing otherwise.  And yes, people hate that.

One of the things I promised me when I was young, was that I would never get into any kind of debate – whether verbal or otherwise – while trying to hide behind untruths, and that I would never employ sneaky, underhanded, or otherwise cheap, manipulative tactics – and I’ve kept that promise.  When I played Little League baseball, I was the skinny kid with the goofy smile and the rifle arm, and I’m still that guy.  I always shook the other team’s hand after the game, and I meant it.  Same when I played basketball in high school – I was a sportsman, and when I congratulated the players on the other teams, I meant it.  Yes, there were times when I had to bend the rules – when some big bullying ass would try to push me around when the referees weren’t looking – my dad taught me an old elbow trick – which I used on occasion – and let me tell you, it worked every time without fail – thanks for that, Dad.  Funny thing, though, I always hated it when some knuckle dragging numbskull would put me in the position to do stuff like that – and it’s the same even as I speak.  After going about my life, having to occasionally put a bully in his place over the years, an incident occurred about ten years ago, on a pier in San Diego, and I’ve since had to walk away from the bullies of the world – mostly because I fear for my freedom, and in many cases here more recently, I fear for my well being.  As the world becomes angrier and angrier by the day, I cross paths with some horribly angry people just about every time I leave the house, and I know they’re not out there acting like idiots while being unarmed.

I’d like to elaborate on that last piece there.  We American boys are taught from the day we’re born, that we must be Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris, and Superman all rolled into one – that we must “Kick ass”, that we must handle every situation with brass ones, and with scripted verbal perfection.  One sad circumstance is that with every day that goes by, the laws are slanted more and more towards protecting the cowardly and the manipulative.  In other words, being that none of us has a policeman in our back pocket, when a situation requires that we “take the law into our own hands”, we are vilified, crucified, and in quite a few cases, we spend time in a prison cell.  This goes for defending our own life in our own house, in the street, in public places, and wherever else – you dare defend yourself and cause a badguy harm, and you’re screwed.  Meanwhile, when an innocent person dies at the hands of a lowlife, everybody is crying and saying how sorry they are that said lowlife murdered an innocent person.  Where are the laws, and where is the personnel, to protect us?  And, on the subject of defending our own life and/or well being, what’s worse, spending anywhere from 3 months to life in a prison cell, or being dead – is that even a choice we should be forced to make?

I’ve been hearing a lot lately, from the female population of the world, that Hollywood, along with printed media, is causing girls and women to have bad “self esteem”, by putting out an unrealistic standard for all to see, as in, “We can’t possibly compete with the 5’6”, 100 lb. model with the perfect figure, perfect face, and perfect skin”.  Well, same goes for the Chuck Norris syndrome – not to mention, if Mr. Norris were to handle a situation in a public place the way he did in any of his movies, he’d likely still be in a prison cell, or dead from gunshot.  I’m beginning to smell a conspiracy here.  It’s been said that almost 50% of the American population suffers from some degree of depression and anxiety.  How is this possible?  We’re all walking around with our heads all screwed up, making it damn near impossible to see what’s right in front of us, to deal with other everyday stresses and problems, and most of all, we can’t see what and who is causing most of the dissent in the world.  I don’t have answers, only observations.  I’m among the almost 50% that fights with depression and anxiety – not to mention my ongoing disgust and grief that is caused me by all the unfairness and injustice in the world.  From where I sit, there is but one thing left that the universe, the Powers That Be, has not been able to take from me – and that is my sense of self worth.  For whatever reason, I never doubt me, I deny nothing, I don’t pretend to be something I’m not, and I’m ok with all my shortcomings.  Oh yeah, and I sleep very well at night.

So, I continue to dread leaving my house, I dread getting in the car, I even dread getting on the internet – because I am so beat down from witnessing so much anger, hatred, unprovoked resentment, bullying, and other such violent behavior, while not being able to do a thing about it; and, while I watch the law continue to protect the cowardly and the dishonest.  Again, no answers, just observations.

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