I had planned to lay down some pedal steel parts today, and maybe lead guitar and piano. Well, my back is partway out. If it goes all the way out, I'm toast for at least two months.
The body is worn out, my mind is also worn out. I'm good with that, it just means that I lived, I went for it, and after all the times I got bashed in the head, I somehow got back up, and here I still am. I'm definitely slowing down, I don't have near the energy I had up until a couple of years ago, don't have the stamina, and it takes me a few minutes to straighten up when I get up out of a chair, the car, or wherever else. My thinking is slower, my reflexes are much slower. Even my playing is not as pinpoint accurate as it once was. I've always said, I don't want to get too old, where I can't do anything, or where I need to be taken care of. I'm pretty sure that time is not too far off. I've also said that if or when that time does come, I will check out on my own terms. I've done things that most people wouldn't dream of doing. I did without the luxuries of life - without the family life, the nice cars, the house. I guess that stuff means something to most people, but in my case, I don't miss any of it, don't care about any of it, never have.
I come into my studio when I'm able. There are many times when I get the urge to record something, or just come in here an plunk on one of my instruments, but don't have the energy to pull myself out of my recliner. There is one little fact here that I'm sure plays a part in my current mental state, and my lack of energy and motivation. I've been in a relationship with a woman who, I guess is just not right for me. I'll skip all the gory details, just to say that I get grief whenever I leave the house. My thing is, I should get grief where I live, I should be comfortable, and I should feel welcome. I'm an easy guy, I don't care to tell another person what to do, what not to do, who not to talk to, who to spend time with, what to wear, where to go or not go. I don't leave stuff laying around, everything has its place, and I always clean up after myself. There are women who would greatly appreciate a guy like this. I've never found her, I have always attracted controlling, jealous, insecure, angry, spiteful women. I guess they see my soft spoken, unassuming personality, and they figure they can do and say anything they want, be rude, angry, and whatever else. I've always had to be the one to escape the situation, at which time, of course, I'm the bastard in the story. It's also at which time I end up on the receiving end of wrath that is mind numbing to say the least. I'm always good to move on. When I was a teenager, girls wanted nothing to do with me, and I was good with that. Nobody was ever going to see me harassing any girl, guilting her, manipulating, bad mouthing, I just got on with me life. If I were to run into any of them, I would laugh with them about what a socially backward dimwit I was.
So, while it would have been great to have had support from a significant other, it hasn't happened, probably never will. That's life, so on with it.
I don't know what's going to happen. I'm in Reno, working fairly steady, but not sure how much longer I'll be able to do what I do. If it comes to where I have to check out, then I'll check out, I won't be sad about it, and I'll leave quietly.
So, I've been sitting at this computer for the past half hour, the back doesn't hurt any more than before, so maybe I can knock out some steel parts, guess I'll see how it goes.
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