I like to say I don’t know how this happened, I don’t
know how my life ended up to be what it is, but the fact is that I DO know – I’ve
discussed that at length in other parts of my blog, so no need to go into again
here. If somebody would have come to me
when I was in my 20s and said, you’ll never get a fair shot at the music
business, that your way of making a living will be taken away at some point,
and you will be stifled beyond your wildest imagination, and that you would be
living with a girl who has no regard for your feelings, or your anything, that
you were going to be under lock and key, told what and what not to do, that you
would be sniped at and bossed around, with absolutely no recourse, that there
will not be a damn thing you can do about it, I would have laughed it off. Well, all that and then some has
happened. I know, all the way down to my
core, that I did everything right, I got good at something, I devoted my life
to it, I studied it the best I could, I learned to play TEN instruments – and not
just dabbled, I mean I can actually play them.
I gave without taking. I took
calculated risks, I treated people with respect – except when given a reason
not to. I’ve never done a drug in my
life, never smoked, never was a drinker or a gambler, and I didn’t go onto a
stage so that I could get free alcohol and chase girls. I took it seriously enough to do it right.
I know I’ve stated the following before in my blog –
probably more than a few times. I’m not
absolutely sure about any of the reasons, but what I do know is that I have
been stifled, and I have been singled out, targeted. I have had some of the most absurd situations
beat me over the head – against astronomical odds, and always in the way that
it would cause me to not have a shot at what I was going after – that includes
little league baseball, high school basketball, and music, well, and life.
I have had contempt tossed in my direction constantly and
endlessly – not sure about the reasons, but I’m sure I’m not inaccurate in this
observation. The bullying I endured as a
kid – was not from other kids, but from full grown adults – and continues to
this day, to this instant. On that, not
only do I have more people that I can count come at me with unwarranted
aggression and hostility – out there in public, but I get it right here where I
live. This person has no problem
bullying me, sniping at me, arguing with me, telling me what to do and what not
to do. She will not stand up against any
person out there in the world – including aunts, uncles, cousins,
acquaintances, and whoever else, the only person she will snipe at, argue with,
play the guilt game with, make demands on, and threaten, is me – the one person
who has no escape, no recourse. She has
absolutely no regard for me in any way. Oh
yeah, she pretends, and she denies like no person I’ve ever met, but again, no
regard for me. She counts pennies, she
controls the money, she decides what we will and will not do. She tells me what I can believe, what I can
think, what I can say, what musical acts I can like or dislike – and when I
dare to stand up for myself, holy hell, out come the smartass remarks, the
taunting, the threats, the bullying, the “Then you can just get the fuck out”,
and whatever else. She gloats, and she is arrogant and smug. She brought me here, not the place I wanted to go, but she's in charge, she knows it, and has no problem shoving that in my face every chance she gets. She has kept me here for 3-1/2 years, while I haven't worked a day in this town. I'm beginning to believe she likes it that way - she likes the control, and as I said, gloating, arrogant, smug. I have been working
my goddam ass off for four years, trying to get work, trying to contact music
related people, trying to get working in casinos, restaurants, bars, and I had
my ads out on sites such as Gig Salad and Gigmasters – with zero results. I put it under the heading of Hawaiian music –
which not many outside of Hawaii can do – same – nothing. I even applied for jobs outside of music, and
actually landed one. I just lost the job
up in Lake Tahoe, I liked it, I was there and she was here, only coming up to
see me every couple of weeks – meaning I wasn’t dealing with daily sniping and
other bullying. My headaches stopped –
keeping in mind that before I met this self serving ass, I never had a headache
in my life. Before heading up there, I
was completely burned out and disgusted with playing any instruments – and hadn’t
touched a guitar, or anything, for 8 or 9 months. After being in Tahoe for just over a week, my
enthusiasm for playing came back, I enjoyed playing again, and I spent time
doing just that. One of the things I was
able to do was play with nobody around – nobody to be offended that I was
living my life, that I was doing something they couldn’t, something that was
intruding on their life, intruding in their universe. I lost that job because of one sick,
vindictive lowlife who had it in for me – because she didn’t want to be
responsible for what she did, and because she wasn’t going to stand up to her
co-workers – the ones who went to bat for me, she was going to bully me, punish
me, the one who couldn’t fight back, for her bullshit. I should be used to that, being that it’s
been the story of my life.
At this point, I don’t have much hope or possibility of
getting out of this miserable situation – add to that the fact that I’ve been
doing everything humanly possible for the past few years – even before the past
3-1/2 years, to no avail. When I arrived
back in the U.S. from Peru in 2009, the economy had collapsed, and I haven’t
worked much since. Incidentally, Peru
was a huge lie – I was once again duped
by a very clever, persistent, and charming person – who, for the most part,
lied to and manipulated me in order to get full control of my life. When I was finally able to escape, I came
back to this huge mess of a life that is now the American condition. One thought that stays with me for most of
the day, every day is, if I thought this was going to be life indefinitely, if
I know for sure that I will never work again, that I will be controlled by this
sadistic, delusional person for much longer, I would cut my wrists this
minute. I don’t know how much more of
this abuse I can take before I fire back, and when I do, rather than face the
crooked laws land their minions, I’ll check out, that is a promise that I made
to me a while back. Oh, and I always
keep my promises.
The contempt I’ve been on the receiving end of since I
was a little kid, that has continued up until this minute, well, I seem to have
endured it, yes, it’s taken its toll on me, both physically and mentally, but I’ve
learned to live with it. But being under
control of this jack booted coward is beyond all, and I know I cannot continue
to live this way. So, I’ll see where my
last few efforts take me, if anywhere, and if they end up where all the rest of
my efforts have, and my quality of life gets to the point where I’ve just
goddam had enough, I will check out, and I won’t be sad about it.
That’s about all I have for now, little diary. Should that happen, my biggest grief will be
that Callie, the most loving, unassuming, and magnificent cat I’ve ever known,
who is so much like me, will have to stay here in this disgusting place, and
she’ll have to do that without me. I’m
sorry, Callie, but 59 years of this shit is just fucking enough already, and I
just can’t do it anymore. I love you
more than I ever loved any person, I hope you know that. If things should turn around, I’ll spend my
life taking care of you, and doing the best I know how to protect you and show
you that you’re loved, and welcome in the world – even though, other than me,
you’ve no way of knowing that.
All for now.
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